Sorry. Yes, I took a little break.
There really isn't too much to say about the past couple of months. It's been really bad, Dad's pretty much the same, I'm burned out, and Mom's exhausted. There's your update.
But seeing as I seriously owe you, I thought I'd at least cap off 2010 with one more and then make some sort of resolution to update on a more regular basis...that'll probably last like 2 weeks or so...
Two words I feel embody the spirit of this holiday season for my mom and myself would be "shitty" and "sad." And I mean that in all sincerity, and hopefully without offense to you. There's this giant emptiness that somehow always hurts, even though Dad is actually still with us (which, shhhh I'm not supposed to say this, actually makes it harder). Sometimes I think if my dad had been a little more of a wallflower, less dynamic, not quite such a big personality, I wouldn't miss him so much...but then again, I would never wish that. I'm heart broken. You would think after 7 months it would start hurting less, but it doesn't. And this is why the holidays were shitty and sad for me.
However, we have been absolutely overwhelmed by kindness and generosity this holiday season as well, much of it very surprising and a true testiment to my dad's character. I'm bitter, and sarcastic...but I do believe in the strength of the human spirit, and (yes, Nana) the possibility of miracles.
And so with that, I'll just bid a big fat ADIOS to 2010 with my two middle fingers flying high and welcome this new year with arms wide open.
P.S. Next time I write, I promise to actually update you on details of Dad's condition. Cheers.
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Hi Allie, thanks for your update and the end of 2010. I'm sure 2011 will be an improvement. Remember how much you and your mom and dad are loved.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sincerity and and honesty. It helps to fully understand the situation. My heart goes out to you and the family. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
ReplyDeleteAllie, I've been reading your blog, but haven't commented--and I suspect a LOT of folks do that, and you have more virtual company than you know. I met your dad when he was a member of the DOQI Anemia workgroup in 1996 that I staffed, and then ran into him again here and there over the years since when he went to work for Amgen. I didn't know him well, but it was always good to see him. As you said, he had a BIG personality, a brilliant mind, and he truly cared about the kidney patients we all try to help. It was a horrible shock to hear of his accident, and reading about his life afterward--and yours--has been difficult. In the first months, it seemed like you had some hope that he might recover some reasonable degree of function. But lately, not so much. So, I worry about YOU. How long will you keep up a fulltime caregiver role that takes you away from the life you were meant to lead (and doesn't allow you to earn Social Security credits, so if--God forbid--you become injured or ill or disabled, you might not be eligible for benefits). Is giving up your life for your dad's what he would want for you? Are there other alternatives--even adult daycare if you and your mom can't bear the thought of fulltime custodial care--that might give you more freedom? I absolutely believe you when you say that Tom was a great dad. But at some point, is it worth thinking about how to be a great daughter without giving your whole life for it?
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